Auditory Manifesto

"I don't want to listen to people pee; I don't want to hear them chew their food, and I do not, under any circumstances, want to be subjected to electronica music unless there's a gay man willing to dance with me and bring me fabulous cocktails. Being drunk is key to my willingness to endure that last one, and I cannot get drunk at work to see if such a state makes me more sanguine about the audible ingestion of co-workers' snacks."