My white whale

I was going to write this post about how I can't find a used copy of "Dodgeball" on DVD. It's my personal white whale. I go to used DVD stores -- mostly just McKay Used Books & CD's, the best store in the whole wide world -- and I scour three sections of the used DVD's. I look in the Recent Acquisitions, Bargain, and Comedy sections. The only section that's even alphabetized is Comedy. That's easy. I go to the D's, see a copy of "Dodgeball" on VHS (?!?!), and there's no other "Dodgeball" around, and then I spend an hour or more going through every single DVD in the Recent Acquisitions and Bargain departments.

It's a quest. For comedy. I like to laugh.

Wesley pointed out that I could buy a used copy from Amazon.com, and I could. It would cost more, and I would have to pay for shipping and handling, but I could definitely find a bargain copy of "Dodgeball" if I would just concede that I can't find the used copy of my dreams at McKay.

But I can't. I cannot give up. I can't just throw in the towel and call it a day. I've already spent at least 12 visits to used DVD stores and uncounted hours scouring the shelves trying to find one good copy of "Dodgeball" -- in Widescreen -- for $4 or less.

Hey, man, if it's in the Bargain section, it could be $1.95. I'm just sayin'. Is all.

But all this thought and time and effort have already been put into the search. I know that one day I'm going to walk in, and the movie will be sitting there on a shelf, waiting for me, with a Jesus light shining on it and angel choirs singing a resounding "Laaaaaaaaaa." I can't quit now and just order a copy online. Winners don't quit, and quitters don't win.

(And I, the original uncoordinated loser who was always chosen last for any team sport, can't believe I just wrote that line without choking on something. Snort!)

Anyway, this reminds me: The next time I'm at McKay, maybe I should put some time into finding copies of books I've never read. Like Moby Dick. Never read it. It wasn't assigned to me in school. I once checked it out of the library in fifth grade. Three pages into it, there was an illustration of a guy with his arm inside a whale's eye socket. His WHOLE ARM. I was only 10 years old, yeah, but it grossed me out so much, I ran back to the library to give the book back.

I've never read The Scarlet Letter, either. I saw the movie a few years ago. It was OK. Seeing Demi Moore trying to act is kind of hilarious. But somehow I don't think that's how I was supposed to interpret the flick.

The Lord of the Flies? I know what it's about. But the actual reading of the words on the page hasn't been something I've done. I've already been acquainted with badly behaved little boys. I knew them in school. No deserted isle required. Why read about it?

These are only a few of the mighty tomes I've managed to avoid. So today I'm making a list. Next time I go to the used book store, I'll try to find something that increases brain function -- rather than draining it. Like "Dodgeball." I really like the parts with Steve the Pirate. Gaaaaarrrrrrrr.